Cents and Sensibility

It seems over the last couple of months a couple of things above all others have slowly floated to the top of my morass of a mind, at least in terms of their relevance to travel - exchange rates, and entangled around that, "how the hell am I going to buy stuff overseas without getting screwed on transaction charges".

In the past it was all so easy - you'd leave Southampton on a steamer to embark on your Grand Tour before boarding a train, accompanied by an inevitably humble manservant skilled in the martial arts of the orient to protect you from undesirable gypsies with a penchant for cuffing their children to the ground (Blyton, Enid). Said manservant would have, handcuffed on or about his person at all times, a large leather satchel crammed to the gunnels with cash used to procure entry to dogfights, bear-baiting tournaments or in obtaining lodgings and fine fare for the evening. A sack full of small coins was reserved to throw at charming young urchins in exchange for a shoe shine or merely to confirm your largesse by surprising and delighting unsuspecting passersby. Sadly such extravagances disappeared months ago with the arrival of the GFC.

In the interests of preventing this blog from slithering into premature obsolescence, I've done some research and am now able to summarise alternative methods by which you can obtain products and services whilst travelling. There's always an upside as well as a downside - I've done my best to give fair attention to each:

Option 1: Take cash with you

Upside:

• Handy. You've got foreign currency already on you.
• Gives you a chance to familiarise yourself with all those near identical looking banknotes.
• You know you can buy stuff as soon as you arrive, and similarly know you can commence tipping people outrageous amounts for the near worthless acts of servitude they provide for you (shifting bags 3 metres, putting ice in a drink, shifting a body, handing you a paper towel in a toilet)

Downside:

• You'll stand a good chance of being knifed in the ribs and left to bleed out in a Hollywood alleyway*.

Option 2: Travellers cheques

Upside:

• Handy, if you can find someone that doesn't laugh and point at you for trying your luck presenting one.
• Of little use to individuals without a signature, rendering them largely theft-proof.. unless, of course, you get asked politely by a knife-wielded assassin to kindly provide him or her with a reference signature.
• Readily replaced if stolen.

Downside:

• Flags you as a holiday-maker and possibly in possession of other pilfer-worthy goodies, meaning...
• You'll stand a good chance of being knifed in the ribs and left to bleed out in a Hollywood alleyway.

Option 3: ATM, credit/debit cards or other forms of transactionable plastic

Upside:

• Handy, accepted everywhere.
• Can be used for cash or cash advances if necessary
• You get an itemised listing of everything you bought when you return home, leading to joy ("Hey, remember when we ate at that cool cafe in Santorini?") and heartbreak ("When did you order the Dom Perignon '53?", "We never bought a Pontiac in Tucson!")

Downside:

• Outrageous exchange rates and a liberal sprinkling of miscellaneous fees and charges can dampen the fun of travelling.
• Cards with foreign banks printed over them mean nefarious low-lifes such as robbers, muggers and travel writers know you're a foreigner, resulting in you...
• Standing a good chance of being knifed in the ribs and left to bleed out in a Hollywood alleyway (while they're safe in the knowledge that your next of kin live in another country, thus delaying police investigations).

Option 4: Travel cards

Upside:

• Make you smugly think you've hit upon a bargain idea that no-one else has considered.
• Promises all the benefits of a normal ATM or credit card, with none of the drawbacks

Downside:

• Has all the drawbacks of an ATM or credit card, with none of the benefits
• Flags you as a holiday-maker, meaning... well, you know. See Option 2.

Ultimately it seems you're screwed no matter what path you head down³, and as I often say, if you're going to get screwed you might as well like it. Just go in with your eyes open and recognise there's always a a downside, if not an outright scam.

Anyway, must rush - a very friendly Nigerian is offering me cash in return for giving him a hand getting some money out of the country.

³Patrick's Third Law of Travel: You will get screwed.

*Hollywood Alleyway. The sort of alley you see in Hollywood films, featuring large amounts of windblown trash, puddles, a dumpster, and some sketchy looking dude in ill-fitting clothes and a beard able to house who families of mammals, who sorta remembers seeing something happen but can't quite place it.